i’ve been contemplating (read: obsessing over) over my engagement ring.
i wore my wedding set throughout the entirety of my marriage, meaning i didn’t take it off until the divorce was final. for reasons i no longer fully understand, that was important to me back then. i guess it was kind of my outward statement to the world that i was going to continue to honor my vows so long as the piece of paper meant something. (i was pretty black and white in my thinking back then. my views on both marriage and divorce are now a lot more…nuanced. but i digress…)
so literally on the day my divorce was finalized, i took off that jewelry, stuck it in a box, and stuck it in the back of a drawer–where it remained for a year or so.
my heart was rather battered after that old relationship, and for awhile i couldn’t think of my ring without also thinking of the deep emotional pain i was in. but as i healed from that, i started considering what i would do with the ring.
my first thought was to sell it.
i know that some women keep their jewelry sets to pass along to their sons or daughters, but honestly, i think there’d be some bad juju in passing along the engagement ring and wedding band i wore during a marriage that was the antithesis of the kind of marriage i’d want for my kids. (in the event they marry). i researched my options a little, quickly became overwhelmed, and put my rings back in the box, in the drawer.
but every so often i would take them out, remember how much i love my engagement ring, and the hope with which i wore it, and put it away with no decision made.
and then today, whilst binge-watching sex and the city (i’m at the end of season 4), i watched as charlotte gave carrie her engagement ring so that she’d have a downpayment for her apartment, and i started thinking again of how much i really do love my engagement ring. i mean, i picked it out after all.
after firing off a disjointed and probably crazy-sounding text to my bff, and after her reassurance that i’m not, in fact, insane, i pulled my engagement ring back outta that drawer and box…and placed it on my right ring finger.
and right now, i kind of love it there.
my rings used to bring up all kinds of negativity for me. in fact, it almost felt like the rings themselves were immersed in palpable negative energy. but i was so broken then. and the fact that i’m currently looking at my beautiful engagement ring with a smile on my face…well, it’s a reminder to me of how far i’ve come.
i faced my worst fear–being “alone”–and have come through it on the other side with a smile on face. and i’m in the process of building the life i’ve always wanted.
so maybe it’s silly to wear the ring that was supposed to mean a lifetime promise when that promise has long since been declared null and void. or maybe, wearing it now, with no attachment to any other person, simply means i’m making a new promise. to myself.
or maybe it’s a ring and because i always do the absolute most, i’m making a big deal out of some tiny, silly shit.